Thursday, July 24, 2014


I'm one who never wants to burden anyone. I feel bad if I cause anyone to change their direction in life because of me. My husband was a burden our entire marriage, a real thorn in our life. He certainly didn't mind! I guess that's the dysfunction you end up with when your an abused child, you don't mind being imposed upon, but you, you dare not impose! I truly did not know, nor do I now, know how to change this path I was on.  Every where I went, every time I talked or thought about I cried. Cancer. Words I never thought I would hear. I wanted out of my job but not like this. I went to my oncology appt. I went in there a mess. I met Dr. Frontiera and cried. Cried big time. My daughter was with, my dil. He asked me why I was crying. I told him, because I was dying and I just couldn't get a grip. He asked me who told me that, I told him that's what they told me at the hospital. He said he thinks I misunderstood, baldy and my dil stepped up and confirmed that's what we were told. He said he dosnt operate like that. First, we needed to biopsy the breast as we had no idea what type of cancer I had. He also questioned why they did that to my spine as it wasn't needed. He also informed me that cancer in the bones only, you can live quite long, so I needed to have hope. He spent a lot of time with us, I felt somewhat better, but still could not believe I was now living with cancer. Tests were set up, biopsies, treatment options discussed. We found out my cancer is slow growing, lazy, bones only. It had not eaten thru my bones, just damaged them. We were offered a study to go into, meaning my treatment was free. Knowing nothing, we went with the study. It sounded good, frequent scans, treatment every 3 weeks. And so it began. I was taking femara daily, a pill, iv treatment every 3 weeks of avastin, pamamidrate. Avastin I came to learn was a very harsh drug, it either worked or it killed you. I ignored that because I felt better pain wise, and I appeared to be handling it ok. I was different mentally, I was not the same person. I noticed my speech changed, my brain seemed to struggle. I can no longer read like I used to. I got stable and decided I wanted my life back, the way it was, icky job and all. I went back to work, convinced them I could work, despite being on all these meds, treatment and just very different. I worked approx 15 hours per week. It felt amazing to get back out, get my mind off cancer, and because I was so part time, I didn't have that stress of all those crazy rules. I basically did visits and then computer work. It was very enjoyable. Life seemed, well almost normal again. Like maybe, just maybe, this cancer thing wasn't as bad as they said it was.

1 Thanks for your comments!:

Ginger said...

I know a little bit of what you are feeling. When I got diagnosed I remember calling my daughter and sobbing and saying I was going to die. Then after meeting with the surgeon and oncologist, they convinced me that I was not going to die. Well, at least not of breast cancer.
I am so glad you are still here to write your story.