Todays thoughts are on the Blaming game..I need to take my mind off a name for my body care business before I fall over. You guys got me going though!
Anyhow, I'm sure every one of us knows something that for some "odd" reason always is in a crisis mode. Something is always wrong, there is major drama going on, things are chaotic, AND its NOT ever caused by some poor choice they made or some poor thing they did. Its ALWAYS caused by another. Does that NOT drive you nuts?
I see it in my work almost daily, I grew up in it--I married it. I remember my husbands mother used to say--There's just a black cloud that follows you and Greg around..you poor kids. Well, it took me a few years to figure it out--but there was no black cloud--it was GREG! He made alot of poor choices--bad decisions, lived a lifestyle that wasnt appropiate for a family....now what do you think is going to happen? Do you think our life would be easy--fun, un eventful, full of peace and joy???? NOPE...when you live a chaotic lifestyle, you will be in constant drama--constant anxiety, constant stress. The key to getting out of it--is to learn it really is all about YOU and what your doing. I used to tell Baldyman, I'm using all this energy and life of mine to deal with things that are preventable in life...when unpreventable happens to me--I wont have any energy left. Do you know how scary that was to me? I kept thinking--what if a child of mine gets very ill---dies, or I got sick--or he did? I wouldnt have had the coping skills back then--all my energy went into dealing with his everyday insane decisions. Today at 50, I still see how i lack energy or things that happen---I see myself clam up and pull away.
Now, when I deal with this thru my job or my adult children--or family members I come right out and tell them---If you want things to change--YOU have to be the one who changes. You cannot blame the world--the economy, your spouse, whatever, the change and ending of the blaming game--starts with you! I learned by doing it. I stopped blaming my spouse, his parents--his choices,,I just got up and did what I needed to do--to get the life I needed to live for me and my children. We can blame all we want--but at the end of the day nothing will be different. A lady I work with--not to long ago told me after a court hearing--She wants us in her life--that way she has someone to blame! I was like--WOW--I hadnt thought about that way for this particular client--but she was dead on. This person, takes 0 accountability for anything in her life 0--yet all around her because of decisions she makes or dosnt make--her life is falling apart.
Sometimes I think to try and save someone a few years of their life--you just need to come right out and tell them how it is. Dont beat around the bush--just lay it on the line. It may not change a thing--but thats ok. I feel if you've done your part in sharing with them why things are the way they are--its up to them to learn from that. If they dont want to--then can sit in their boiling pot alone. I'm practicing that more and more in my job--just laying it out there. Dont waste my time trying to convince me its everyone's fault your in this crappy place in life...accept the decisions YOU'VE made or not made and look at yourself first.
If you know someone like this--dont let them waste one more minute of your precious day--lay it on the line--we could all wake up every day and blame someone or something for what happens--but for some of us--we've chosen to take accountability for the quality of life we live, and we step up and make changes when something interferes with that. People wont move forward until they can accept their part in where they are at...so you really are helping them but not letting them play the blame game. Most of us truly want to help---so think of it that way...Go help someone today!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The Blame Game
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12 Thanks for your comments!:
What a great philosophy! You are very Dr. Phil-esque. I love the way he doesn't beat around the bush. The world could be a better place with more of that kind of honesty.
I don't know if that will actually work for the person you tell but it may help a person let go of helping someone who doesn't want to change their behavior. Especially if they are over responsible.
I think someone can lay it on the line but until a person internally takes responsibility for their actions, the words will just be dust in the wind.
It's probably one of the toughest lessons in life. We can only control our own behavior and choices and we can't control anyone else's behavior. Looking at any two year old who's just learned the word "no" is proof positive.
Don't work too hard!
When you reach out to people though, sometimes you become the blamee.
You have to walk on thin ice with these people.
Great post. So true, but sometimes so hard to do. On a lighter note, stop by my blog, I've left a little something for you. Kathy
I truly believe you can choose your mood and what you are going to accomplish each day. Some people are just helpless and wallow in it - they don't want advice - they just want to blame someone like you mentioned.
This is a soap box of mine too! Some people just refuse to take responsibility for anything that has gone on in their life. Believe me, I've tried telling them. It seems (and it may just be because this is a pet peeve of mine) that this trait has become more prevalent than it used to be. It drives me crazy! But good luck telling them. laurie
on a closing note..thanks guys for your thoughts. Jylnc--your right about it may always help the person we tell...but what I'm thinking is its not always about them changing or the light going on so to speak..its about us giving them the gift of knowing what may be part of the reason they are always in "drama". its up to them to utilize it--but it also i think lets them know we are "released" from anymore of their B.S.
I do think its more prevalent these days because i think our society as a whole is still "welfare" mentality. so much enabling has gone on we have become a generation of expectations and entitlements and along with that comes the "blame" crap. There just isnt any accountability. There is an excuse for everything--a pill for everything-its created this "blame" type personna. Those who lived it probably know it best because we've had to admit our part in it and we had to learn to make the changes.
I so agree. I have a friend who bounces checks all the time. I am like how hard is it to figure out how much money is in your account before you write a check or better yet just go cash only and buy money orders as needed. Why would you pay the bank overdraft charges over and over when you are already tight on money. We all need to take responsibility for our own lives. Great post, Dawnie.
Roberta Anne
Oh, my!! Well, I think I must be selfish in the fact that I won't listen to it. I'll walk away first. Or I have been known to tell them that they have a lot.. to be grateful for. They should sit down and write about their gratitude. Oh, well!!!
were you writing this for me? It sure hits home. I did however have a conversation with my "hubby" that he needs to shit or get off the pot...if he thinks he is going to sit on the fence forever and play us all like puppets...he may find that I take a broom and push him off...and that I have cut the strings.
This is great advice...I have now read it three times...It really feels like you wrote it just for me!
I sure have been guilty of thinking like this. However, my ex through his actions, drummed the lesson into my head loud and clear. I am responsible for me and my decisions and no-one else. I cannot lay the blame elsewhere for everything that happens. Some yes. Its tough and has a lot to do with our self esteem and confidence. It comes with age or sometimes hard knocks in life. Great post. I love your thought provoking Tuesdays!
This is a great post! I wish I'd learned to not be such a good listener long ago. I was always trying to help people by listening to their problems & was really just wasting my time. You are so right! People should be accountable for their actions. It's their own fault when they make poor decisions, not everyone elses fault! ☺ Diane
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