Walking with a limp is best how I describe my life. It's that I've come to a place where I'm tired. Tired of therapy, tired of undoing what was done to me. So, I'm accepting of where I'm at. I'm accepting of myself as wounded, but very highly function able. Yes, I have quirks, yes I'm imperfect, but I'm soooo much better. This week continues with the annoying pain. I'm irritable. I'm still spending a lot of time in my mind about my past abuses. Something is trying to find it's way out. Pain, a lot of pain. I get up one Tuesday for work and notice the pain in my side is alittle stronger. Something tells me, this isn't going away. It's staying. I get ready for work, actually crying to god that I'm just done. I want out. Today will be better though because I go to court for a case and I like court. It's a change of pace. So off I go, me and my annoying pain. I get to court, find my day is ok. I find myself staring out the window. Just being. My day is done, I rush home because most night I make candles right after work. I change, get to making them. I love it! Love. As I'm making them I find the pain getting worse. It won't be ignored anymore. Soon, I'm slumping around the kitchen holding my side. I'm telling Greg something is wrong. I keep finishing the candles. Then, I begin to cry. The pain has now crossed a line I cannot tolerate. I finish up, tell him I have to go to the hospital that something is very wrong. He says ok then goes works on his computer. I hop in the shower sobbing holding my side. I knew I was not coming home. I knew I was in deep shit. I knew my life was going to change that night. I did not know why, how or when but I sensed something far bigger and worse was about to enter our life. I got out of the shower, just hopped in my car, didn't even call Greg. As I'm on my way to the hospital, I call them. I tell them I'm coming in a white Kia,I will not be able to get out, that I need help. I get there and by golly there were several people waiting outside. They help me out of my car and I begin screaming in agony. I'm screaming like a total nut. I get in there and just roll into a ball. I'm yelling all kinds of things. The doctor asks if I'm being abused. I tell her I work for the county, I know abuse, I'm not being abused, my body is in pain I've never felt before and I cannot take it. After that, I'm a blank. I have memories of things but no memory of the near 5 days I was there. I remember them pounding into my spine. I remember hearing cancer. I remember flowers. I remember hearing dying. I remember telling a doctor to leave my room because he wanted a hug after he told me I had 6-12 months, go home take a trip. I remember my family being brave, but I could tell they had been crying. I remember telling my oldest son take my beloved Kia because I don't need it. Funny, when I got home and looked for my car, he had taken it! He lives a few houses down from us and I see my car in his driveway,lol. That's about all I remember. Oh I remember the pain getting controlled each day. Morphine, oxy, naproxen. They became my new best friends. I received flowers from one son, then came two, with a car that said, you deserve two! That is what he continues to this day, flowers in twos. If he's low on money,meh will clean my house! My kids rock. They absolutely rock. My one daughter holds it all in. She is like me in many ways. She is so pained. I know now, the cause of my pain. I have been diagnosed on September 22 2011, with stage 4 terminal breast cancer. It is in my bones. I don't really feel anything. I'm to numb from all the drugs. I'm also carrying guilt, as I never had a mammogram. I'm also hearing words I've never heard. Metastatic. I'm about to learn what really are the facts with breast cancer. It's nothing like I thought. I'm released from the hospital. I go home and try to get a grasp on my new life. I'm sick. I'm in pain. I'm dying. People are coming to visit. My mom even came. It was very awkward. Everyone believed I was dying. I still did not grasp how sick I was. I was just wandering. I got my oncology appt set up after some adjustments with my insurance. I was originally told I would be seeing a doctor in my town. He came to visit me. He felt he could get me 5 good years. Now mind you, no biopsies had been done. They did try to get into my spine for what I do not know. They needed to biopsy my breast to find out my type of cancer. When I got home and found out I needed to go to a different doctor,mi set my appt up. It was about two weeks out. I remember feeling, I'm full of cancer how can they wait? I was happy my pain was gone. I had residual pain, but nothing like that night. I just waited. I was getting tons of visitors. People I did not expect. Meals, food cards, it was overwhelming. It made it real. I was very very sick. My life was not the same. In 24 hours I became a terminally ill woman. All that I knew, my dreams, my goals, my plans, it all stopped. How do you go from living to dying? How do you stop walking the road of life, and now walk the road of clinging to life? Someone picked me up, placed me in a dark woods and left me. I see me standing there, looking all around for a way out. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm sad, so very very sad. My sadness overwhelmed me. I felt as if I'd just let everyone down. I'm now a burden to my family. I'm now a burden to baldy. I'm sick, very sick.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Each day, well it felt like each day, I woke, getting ready for work, literally begging god to help me find a way out. One particular week, I noticed the beginning of a small, never ending, slight pain on my left side. Annoying, nothing more. While sitting in our hot tub at night, I floated, touching my ribs, feeling what felt like lumps. I quickly stopped touching that area. I went back, yep, it was lumps. But, I decided it had to be some sort of body part.
I had my regular yearly check up in sept, the beginning. Everything went well, urine, blood tests all good. I got the usual lecture about having a mammogram, I left. I never had a mammogram, never would.
This particular week, this pestering nuisance pain stayed. I noticed while driving I shifted often to see if it would help. It came and went. At work, I just got crabbier and crabbier. Some of my work relationships disintegrated. Well, one. It had been a slow boil for awhile. Looking back I think each of us had valid points, each of us had stressors, but my newness of telling it like it is, brought it open. I was slowly learning to tell people when they piss me off, when I felt wronged, when in didn't agree. I was slowly learning to speak up. Things had been going on for awhile, things being said to my boss, about me, things being said about other employees, that I felt were untrue and set ups for definitely trying to get someone fired. Also, I didn't like being asked to do things, they were not willing to do. Yes my job description was different, but we were so overloaded, each of us at times needed to do more. I did my more, but I was tired of some who passed the buck. Anyhow, it was not customary for me to stand up for myself. All my life I've held it in. I've taken the crap. I boiled inside. When I did stand up, I sounded like a nutcase because I took it for so long. I began thinking back to my childhood, my parents abusing me. The police laughing while I told my story of being molested by my father. The days of being served my meal thru a slot in the door because I was a runaway, I mean, why would I run away from a home of horrors? The days I finally got put into a foster home, get into high school, only to be shun, teased, bullied, by my peers. It was funny I was in foster care. It was funny I had little clothing, stunk, etc. I became the joke. I looked back on all this, the center of my pain. But,,,,one day, I took a job. I worked. I taught myself how to fix my hair, wear make up, I bought clothing. I returned to high school, with the guys wanting to date me! I joined clubs, I knew I was pretty. Not only was I pretty, I was nice. I was just a nice, quiet, sincere girl. I didn't get into the drama, I didn't play games. I just slowly began to live, to have a voice. My graduation to me, was a day again like my Kia, that only god understood. No one in my birth family had graduated high school. No distant relatives, no one. I almost quit to, as I grew very tired of studying, working to pay rent, etc. but,,,,I held on. I cried that day because despite all odds I did it. My marriage wasn't to far after high school. Of course because I wasn't fixed from all my childhood damage, my marriage was very unhealthy. Add to my inside pain, 20+ years of severe dysfunction. I had my 5 children, I kept some distance from my birth family, but hey, I still allowed some abuse. I'm jumping all over here, I hope you keep up! For some reason, this particular week, I was looking closer at my life. My childhood, my marriage, and now a job where I felt the same feelings of mistreatment. Frustration was huge for me. Now I'm not feeling well and I'm old, tired and dammit I'm going to speak up. I did many things those years to "fix" my life. Counseling, divorce, move. It all helped. I finally got to a place though that I decided, I would now walk the remainder of my life with a limp. Not a huge limp, but a limp. I remarried. We lost everything. Our kids hurt. But, we fought to rebuild a healthier life. It was and is but it's never going to be what it should have been. We are both wounded people, and trust is very hard to find.
Todays post by Dawn Marie at 11:53 AM
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
So, while I'm crabby at work, not feeling the best, my life goes on. I begin searching a way to make a supplemental income to hopefully replace my full time job. Problem is, I carry the health insurance. It's dam good insurance, for a very reasonable cost. The pressure I feel is huge as my family is my greatest gift. I decided to make natural body care products. I was the biggest fan of Bath and Body Works. I was reading their ingredients one day and was shocked. That's when it hit me to make things not as harsh on our bodies. Little did I know, cancer was growing in my body! So, I searched the internet. I found books, supplies, and I began ordering, making, experimenting. I soon began selling. My house turned into a small store. I had boxes arriving daily. I loved every second of it. When I got home from work, I would immediately begin learning. I quickly learned who had the best materials, that this was an expensive venture. Once I got the body care going, I thought of adding candles. I learned most of the candles we burn are petroleum based, so as they burn, we are breathing in petroleum! Soo, I went with soy. I found someone locally whom I've never met, but talked to me for endless hours and guided me thru the process. I lost a lot of money. I wasted a ton of products. But,,,,I learned. Soon, I had candles on my shelves. Clean burning, petroleum free, fragrant candles. That to, overtook my house. I now have two rooms invaded by my dream! A good portion of my work money went to my supplemental job. But I found I was alittle happier, more hopeful, and loving it. I mastered bath bombs, body butter, lotions. All better for us. I haven't purchased a body product in over 5 years now. I make my own. The only thing I was never able to master and complete was labels. I just never got that far. I was no way no making enough money to replace my job, but I was happier. I had that thing called, hope! I bought my first new car on my own at the age of 52. I shed tears that day. Only god knew how big that was for me. I loved my little Kia, I loved my business,I loved my family, I despised my job! I woke up most days begging god to get me out. I began going on job interviews. I searched every day I could to get out. When I was there, I tried my best to tell myself it wasn't that bad. Then another memo would come thru about those 15 minute time sheets and I hated all over again. No longer could we give up lunch to go early. No longer could we flex our schedules without approval. I used to enjoy doing some of my work on Sundays as baldy liked to watch football, I don't, and doing supervised visits for families always seemed to help many of our families. Then I had more free time during the week. Now I had to get permission. I began feeling more and more like a child, not a grown, intelligent, worker. The hate continued. My voicing it continued. People very often were slowly disappearing. Fired, for what many if us did, do, and deny. The rumors were if someone comes walking towards your desk with a box, your up! So the standing joke became, hey as long as I don't see a box I'm good. I'll admit as I did then, many that were fired were fired for what many of us did. Falsify our time sheets. I mean really, how can you honestly document 15 minutes all day? I made stuff up, just to get them filled out. But,,,,,I can tell you this, I was working. I can also tell you, I sometimes worked many nights as many others, not documenting our time. We worked for free. Why? Because we cared about our clients. So many phone calls, some for hours. One time I talked to a client that I despised, for hours well into the late hours, coaching her while she gave birth. I wanted to ensure the safe arrival of the baby and keep mom calm. I never documented that. I doubt they would have cared. At times I found myself still trying to help, to relearn how to care, to remove my frustration. To find a way to continue in this job. I needed the income, the insurance, and I loved my little Kia! To be continued,,,,,,,
Todays post by Dawn Marie at 7:41 AM
Monday, July 14, 2014
Well, I made it through both weddings. Thinking it was just a fluke of some sort. Perhaps nerves, I'm sure all parents nerves are shot when weddings come up. Fitting everything in, finances, work, making sure they have what they want. So, yes I figured my not feeling well was just stress. I notice though I'm doing less and less. Camping, I would go on a Friday, despite all the hard work, despite that in reality it's really only a day and a half, not 2 full days. Now, I refused to go unless I could leave on a Thursday or wed. I just didn't want to do all that work for such a short time. I also noticed I was struggling with my job. I know that it was stressful work, and I also knew that changes in management brought on more micro management. I simply couldn't handle both. I complained frequently, I was miserable. I no longer felt as if I were helping people, I felt as if I was just a controlled robot who catered to the whims of people who had been given enough chances and help, that by now we should be done giving to them. It was super frustrating. We had to document what we were doing every 15 minutes. They began calling our clients to make sure we held our home visits. Now, that was when I knew I had to find a way out. Calling violators of the law, to verify MY job was insane. If the client didn't like you, ohhh the destruction they could do. They were asked what time we arrived, what time we left. It had to match our detailed 15 minute time sheets. Crazy, crazy, crazy. I also noticed at work I began feeling and saying, I just don't feel good. And I didn't. Again, I figured it was the insane stress. I will continue this in a future blog post as there is a lot to say. I hope anyone reading this, enjoys my story.
Todays post by Dawn Marie at 8:06 AM
Friday, July 11, 2014
Today is our daughters wedding. It's being held at our sons house. The wedding will take place outside, it's a beautiful setting. Pond, flowers, and even the weather is cooperating. The big white tent in the yard for the last couple days was exciting to see. Our brother in law will perform the ceremony. I'm feeling very melancholy. After all, it's our daughter!
Again, I'm not feeling right. Same thing as my sons wedding. Nothing specific, nothing I can even pinpoint. Just an overall feeling of, I don't feel well.
The wedding went great. We had snacks, then a catered meal. The food was awesome. It was done in blue and white. Dj was fun. It was a great night of celebration. I danced as much as I could. I think we were successful in having a great wedding for very reasonable.
Once again, the night ends with me going home early, alone, going to bed. Not one drink. These are the things I look back back on, and remember. These are the things I look back on and realize, I was sick.
Todays post by Dawn Marie at 4:53 AM
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Today my oldest son gets married. I'm happy, excited, looking forward to having a great time. We arrive at the church, everything goes well. Pictures go well. But,,,,,there is a nagging feeling I'm having. I'm just not feeling well. Can't explain what, nothing specific. Sooooo, the day goes on. Everyone is so beautiful. I'm a proud mom. Reception starts. Visiting with everyone is fun. I'm thinking after I eat, then I'll feel ready to party. I eat, nope I still feel, different. Again, nothing specific. I dance, I socialize, I do my best to enjoy. I leave early. I didn't have one drink. I went home. Went to bed, feeling guilty and sad that I left my sons wedding for no apparent reason.
Todays post by Dawn Marie at 7:03 PM
Friday, June 21, 2013
I posted this old picture of my little white Kia,because I don't have anything new downloaded AND simply because I miss this car! I miss it a lot. I miss a lot of things. Cancer robs you of a lot. I try to focus on the blessings and there are many. BUT....I'm tired, I'm trying to keep the hope alive. I have to tell you, that is not easy to do when you see so much death and suffering.
I cant promise I will get back to blogging. I do facebook but I don't even do that as often as I used to. I'm trying to find the energy to get back to making my candles and body care products AND figure out how to make attractive labels. That is the one thing that eludes me, labels!!!!!
I'm enjoying summer, I love it. I love being able to be outside. Much easier on a patient the being cooped up inside. I've done nothing with decorating my home because I've had no energy...well. not true. My husband did redo our main bathroom which was disgusting and is now spa quality! Hopefully I will get back to figuring out how to download pictures and get back here. What I miss the most, is recipes. I need new ideas as my taste buds are so different. I will get out and visit some blogs now!
Todays post by Dawn Marie at 7:02 PM