Walking with a limp is best how I describe my life. It's that I've come to a place where I'm tired. Tired of therapy, tired of undoing what was done to me. So, I'm accepting of where I'm at. I'm accepting of myself as wounded, but very highly function able. Yes, I have quirks, yes I'm imperfect, but I'm soooo much better. This week continues with the annoying pain. I'm irritable. I'm still spending a lot of time in my mind about my past abuses. Something is trying to find it's way out. Pain, a lot of pain. I get up one Tuesday for work and notice the pain in my side is alittle stronger. Something tells me, this isn't going away. It's staying. I get ready for work, actually crying to god that I'm just done. I want out. Today will be better though because I go to court for a case and I like court. It's a change of pace. So off I go, me and my annoying pain. I get to court, find my day is ok. I find myself staring out the window. Just being. My day is done, I rush home because most night I make candles right after work. I change, get to making them. I love it! Love. As I'm making them I find the pain getting worse. It won't be ignored anymore. Soon, I'm slumping around the kitchen holding my side. I'm telling Greg something is wrong. I keep finishing the candles. Then, I begin to cry. The pain has now crossed a line I cannot tolerate. I finish up, tell him I have to go to the hospital that something is very wrong. He says ok then goes works on his computer. I hop in the shower sobbing holding my side. I knew I was not coming home. I knew I was in deep shit. I knew my life was going to change that night. I did not know why, how or when but I sensed something far bigger and worse was about to enter our life. I got out of the shower, just hopped in my car, didn't even call Greg. As I'm on my way to the hospital, I call them. I tell them I'm coming in a white Kia,I will not be able to get out, that I need help. I get there and by golly there were several people waiting outside. They help me out of my car and I begin screaming in agony. I'm screaming like a total nut. I get in there and just roll into a ball. I'm yelling all kinds of things. The doctor asks if I'm being abused. I tell her I work for the county, I know abuse, I'm not being abused, my body is in pain I've never felt before and I cannot take it. After that, I'm a blank. I have memories of things but no memory of the near 5 days I was there. I remember them pounding into my spine. I remember hearing cancer. I remember flowers. I remember hearing dying. I remember telling a doctor to leave my room because he wanted a hug after he told me I had 6-12 months, go home take a trip. I remember my family being brave, but I could tell they had been crying. I remember telling my oldest son take my beloved Kia because I don't need it. Funny, when I got home and looked for my car, he had taken it! He lives a few houses down from us and I see my car in his driveway,lol. That's about all I remember. Oh I remember the pain getting controlled each day. Morphine, oxy, naproxen. They became my new best friends. I received flowers from one son, then came two, with a car that said, you deserve two! That is what he continues to this day, flowers in twos. If he's low on money,meh will clean my house! My kids rock. They absolutely rock. My one daughter holds it all in. She is like me in many ways. She is so pained. I know now, the cause of my pain. I have been diagnosed on September 22 2011, with stage 4 terminal breast cancer. It is in my bones. I don't really feel anything. I'm to numb from all the drugs. I'm also carrying guilt, as I never had a mammogram. I'm also hearing words I've never heard. Metastatic. I'm about to learn what really are the facts with breast cancer. It's nothing like I thought. I'm released from the hospital. I go home and try to get a grasp on my new life. I'm sick. I'm in pain. I'm dying. People are coming to visit. My mom even came. It was very awkward. Everyone believed I was dying. I still did not grasp how sick I was. I was just wandering. I got my oncology appt set up after some adjustments with my insurance. I was originally told I would be seeing a doctor in my town. He came to visit me. He felt he could get me 5 good years. Now mind you, no biopsies had been done. They did try to get into my spine for what I do not know. They needed to biopsy my breast to find out my type of cancer. When I got home and found out I needed to go to a different doctor,mi set my appt up. It was about two weeks out. I remember feeling, I'm full of cancer how can they wait? I was happy my pain was gone. I had residual pain, but nothing like that night. I just waited. I was getting tons of visitors. People I did not expect. Meals, food cards, it was overwhelming. It made it real. I was very very sick. My life was not the same. In 24 hours I became a terminally ill woman. All that I knew, my dreams, my goals, my plans, it all stopped. How do you go from living to dying? How do you stop walking the road of life, and now walk the road of clinging to life? Someone picked me up, placed me in a dark woods and left me. I see me standing there, looking all around for a way out. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm sad, so very very sad. My sadness overwhelmed me. I felt as if I'd just let everyone down. I'm now a burden to my family. I'm now a burden to baldy. I'm sick, very sick.
SPRINGTIME ON THE MANTEL
2 days ago