Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Caring from a Distance

I'll admit I was at a loss this week about what to post for Thinking Girl Tuesday. And the reason is this....not because of lack of topics that I think about....but mostly because I'm pretty content with life these days and its hard for me to focus in on things that trouble me or trouble others, or trouble world.

However after talking with both of my Aunts yesterday there is something that think about that isnt to painful to pull out and has meaning in my life--maybe even some of yours.

Sometimes in our lives--we have to separate from people. We choose to live apart from them and not have anything to do with them. For some of us that can mean basically no contact at all,,or minimal contact. In my personal life--with my birth family I have made a decision many years ago and it actually continues to not have contact with many of my family members. I come from a large family, I'm the oldest of 8. It seems like every year I add No Contact to more and more people...actually I'm run out! I used to question if i was doing the right thing. In my mid 40's I stopped questioning--I knew I was doing the right thing. Some of these people would question my caring or love for people or even my ability to forgive. I used to wonder about that also--but no more on that either. I've learned--you certainly CAN love and care and forgive others and do it from a distance. One thing about getting older....you learn self love and self care are of the most important because if we dont take care of ourselves FIRST--how can we be a good Mom--good wife, good friend, good worker--etc..when we are so wore out from caring for others? How can we be any good as human beings if we are so beat up from others beating us up? Self-Protection....its imperative if your from a family that is so horribly dysfunctional it could possibly kill you from stress. While some may perceive me as self absorbed--uncaring, distant---what it really is--is self care so that I can be at my best for my own family, my self, my life. I made a choice many years ago that I no longer wanted to stand in the middle of the road and let semi trucks roll me over constantly. The older you get--the harder it is to pickyour up and dust yourself off and continue on. I chose....peace and serenity. I cannot live in a world of constant fighting--back stabbing, lying, manipulation and game playing. That is no kind of life at all. If one wants a better life--you can make it--its your choice to do. People cannot change others--only you can change you.

Its a fact you can care from a distance. I continue to pray for those I care about--and yes it does trouble me that some of them may end their lives never knowing peace and tranquility. Some may never know a true genuine freindship or smile. Some may never know what its like to have a day of smiles, fun, pure joy and happiness. Its their choice, not mine. Again, it dosnt mean I dont care--I do--but I also care about my self and my children and grandchildren. I care enough to show them a better way of life--I care enough that I wanted to give them a life that I never had--and not material things--a life of safety, happiness, protection, and love. And to do that--sometimes you have to let go of others that intend to trample on that--and you have to move forward. Caring from a distance....thats what I do. I find myself praying more and more for alot of my birth family members---the turmoil continues to grown, the evil has permeated so many of their lives---the next generations are tasting it now. Its very sad to watch some of the children of the children--repeat the cycles of dysfunction. Still, from a distance--all you can do is pray--and hope..hope that someone else will want a better life and get some help and change the process. Remove themself from the insanity and start walking the road to change. Its not easy--but it can be done.

I dont know if any of you have chosen to care from a distance--it can be lonely at times--and sad. And yes even times you feel guilty that maybe you dont really care..but you also know deep down you have to do this--because if you dont--they will pull you down to their level and thats a level that is so full of hatred and self destruction its aplace we dont want to be.

Today for those we've chosen to care for from a distance--lets end up a little prayer for God to be able to touch their hearts and souls. Just maybe, someday they can figure things out and perhaps make a better life for themself and those around them--before its to late.

9 Thanks for your comments!:

rosemarie said...

well said dawnie..as we know life is short,and we are not getting younger,you are doing the best you can do ,and thats praying from a far..

Lady of the Mote said...

beautiful post,you spoke for so many of us.

Meadowsweet Days said...

I think it's all about Forgiveness.... which does not mean acceptance or forgetting someone's poor behavior, or letting that behavior have a negative effect on your life. It means to just let it all go so that the poison doesn't stay within you.... care from a distance, and find peace within yourself and in your life....

Carol

Raggedy Girl said...

Dawnie
I am fortunate in that I can love from close up and never had to make this choice but I did do a church teaching series on this very subject so well written by you. WE are called on to forgive and forgive and then forgive some more. We are told to pray without ceasing. But no where are we told that we must jump into the middle of unhealthy situations. Sometimes for safety both emotional or even physical we must withdraw. It is good that you have made peace with your family and your place in it. A very good thoughtful post.
Roberta Anne

Connie said...

We have to make a choice to move on and not let others bring us down. You sound like you are healing and looking forward and that's healthy. I got into an argument with my sister on the phone recently and called to say I'm sorry and I love her. I am not one to confront but needed to this time and I said what I thought had to be said. She may have to be one that I love from afar for a while. Thanks for sharing. Connie

Nana Net said...

Dawnie, you truly have written this from the heart! No truer words could have been spoken my dear. To me it is more their loss than it is yours. Which is something my Mom taught me long ago. That all you can do is pray for those who chose not to have you in their lives. Believe me I too have some that all I can do is pray from afar for them. Maybe one day I too will blog about it.
Blessings to you my dear friend here on line.

Shellmo said...

I believe caring from a distance is necessary for our own well being at times. I have a "relative" right now that I am doing that for. I believe your family comes first (your husband and your children) and no one should interfere with that. Kudos to you.

mbkatc230 said...

Very well stated Dawnie. I understand from personal experience how you need to distance yourself from harmful people in order to properly make your own way and to protect your children! I do have a few family members that I need to "care for from a distance". You are exactly right, it is not always easy, and there is alot of second guessing yourself, but when I see how beautifully our daughter has turned out, and when I think back over the wonderful times that my hubby and I have shared, I know it is the right decision! Hugs, Kathy

JyLnC said...

I understand your feelings 100%. I think everyone has some "distance" people in their lives but most of us don't discuss it because society has always held up the "Norman Rockwell" perfect family as the norm but it's not. I have used distance caring when I need to use that method. When you come from a chaos filled family, peace and serenity become a cherished goal.